Pain is often perceived as an enemy — something to avoid, suppress, or numb. From childhood, we are taught to seek comfort and safety and avoid suffering. However, when viewed through the lens of psychology, philosophy, and personal development, pain is not just an obstacle but a necessary component of growth. Just as the body experiences physical discomfort during the process of development, in the same way the consciousness and subconscious require suffering for transformation.
Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult.
M.Scott Peck – The Road Less Travelled
Pain during childbirth
Pain during childbirth plays an important role. It can be numbed, but in doing so, its meaning and benefits can be lost. First and foremost, pain impulses during contractions stimulate the body to release endorphins—natural painkillers that help the mother cope with the process. In other words, under normal circumstances, the process is intentionally designed to be sufficiently painful for its purposes, but also with auxiliary means to help manage it.
Pain helps the woman intuitively change her body position, which can ease the passage of the baby through the birth canal. The intensity of sensations affects the level of oxytocin—a hormone that stimulates uterine contractions and ensures the effective progression of labor. Going through the pain and trials of childbirth can strengthen the emotional bond between mother and child and aid in the formation of maternal instinct. Awareness and acceptance of pain can help a woman feel more confident and better control her state, which has a positive impact on the course of labor. Numbing the pain results in losing much of this transformational, sacred experience.
Birth
Birth itself is a stress of adaptation between the mother’s womb and the world, a transition from warmth, comfort, and silence to cold, light, noise, and the necessity to breathe independently. This transition occurs through the discomfort of strong pressure on the body. Of course, this does not mean that one should deliberately traumatize the child with excessive noise and light when it is possible to soften this process.
Pain in childhood and adolescence
Growing up is painful. It hurts when, in the early years, our identity separates from the world and our parents. This is as natural as the growing pains of teeth, bones, or a teenager’s skin stretching as they grow overnight. Interestingly, we often don’t think that a child cries due to discomfort, but instead feel, “Oh, what am I doing wrong!” focusing on our own discomfort.
Parents try to protect us from pain, and thus, from growth. Donald Winnicott, in his research, spoke about the role of the “good enough mother”—one who supports the child but doesn’t protect them from every challenge. Overprotection can make a child psychologically fragile, unprepared for the real world. Experiencing difficulties builds resilience and self-confidence, and bruises and bumps help develop movement coordination.
The progression of pain and growth
With age, physical pain is accompanied by existential pain (the process of individuation, separating oneself from the world and mother, and forming one’s own identity), feelings of loss, the search for meaning in life, and social experiences)). Immunity is formed, movement coordination is developed, the body has grown, and we continue moving forward.
Each stage of life is accompanied by a crisis—starting from the trust-distrust crisis at the age of 0-1.5 years to the aging crisis at 80. Identity crises in adolescence, the fear of intimacy in adulthood, and the existential searches of middle age—these challenges are all necessary for personal development. Avoiding these crises leads to stagnation and immaturity.
The concept of post-traumatic growth, developed by Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun, proves that suffering can be a source of profound transformation. Challenges often lead to a reevaluation of values, strengthening of character, and the development of new skills.
From the perspective of neuropsychology, stress and challenges can strengthen neural connections and improve the brain’s adaptability.
The philosophy of pain: the necessity of trials
Philosophy has spent centuries trying to find meaning in suffering. Existentialists argued that pain is an inseparable part of existence. Camus, in The Myth of Sisyphus, describes a hero condemned to a meaningless task, but it is the acceptance of his own trial that makes him free.
Stoics taught that pain is not what destroys us, but what shapes us. Nietzsche, in his concept of “amor fati” (love of fate), argued that we should not merely endure pain, but accept it as part of a full life. The phrase “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger” belongs to Nietzsche.
Pain as a catalyst for change
The greatest transformations often begin with discomfort. When we feel too comfortable, we resist change. Although some archetypal part of me always feels that “oh, feels like it’s too comfortable for you, darling, let’s create some problems for ourselves.” And God is my witness, I create them. It is crises, losses, or emotional pain that force us to reconsider our lives and move forward.
Modern society, which seeks comfort and instant gratification, increasingly avoids pain, ignoring its irreplaceable function. Similarly, we ignore other emotions, which are always waiting to be heard.
The necessity of pain
I wrote about this earlier, but it won’t hurt to remind and elaborate: there are three things that push us towards change.
- Crisis (burnout, frustration, boiling point) — when a person reaches the limit of their patience, and there are only two options left: continue suffering or change.
– Cognitive dissonance: when reality contradicts expectations, a person either changes their behavior or justifies the situation to reduce discomfort.
– Motivation theory: when a person loses control over the situation, the motivation for change can become the only way out. For example, a person works in a job they don’t like but tolerates it until they reach an emotional exhaustion point (burnout), or someone stays in toxic relationships until they feel they’ve completely lost themselves. - Trauma or intense stress (trauma, loss, crisis) — when a difficult experience shatters old beliefs and requires adaptation.
– Post-traumatic growth theory: trauma can not only destroy but also serve as a catalyst for personal development.
– Adaptation theory: people change when they are forced to find new survival strategies. For example, the loss of a loved one forces someone to reevaluate the meaning of life and establish new priorities, or a serious illness or accident compels a person to change their lifestyle or attitude toward their own body. - Inspiration or a new perspective (inspiration, realization, revelation) — encountering a new idea, person, or experience that opens a new path.
– Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: after fulfilling basic needs, people seek self-realization, which often begins through inspiration.
– Social learning theory: a person can change by observing others’ examples. For example, someone listens to a lecture or reads a book that completely changes their view of the world, or a trip to a new country or meeting a charismatic person opens new opportunities. This is why we crave novelty so much.
Tony Robbins talks about how change happens through pain or inspiration (pain or inspiration).
Changes rarely happen due to a single factor. Often, they are a combination of all three: trauma can lead to inspiration, when a person finds new meaning; inspiration can push a person toward change, but only after an accumulated internal conflict; and a boiling point can trigger a crisis, which in turn becomes an opportunity for growth.
In summary
To fear pain is to fear change. Suffering for the sake of suffering is meaningless, but avoiding all difficulties robs us of the opportunity to grow. Pain is a sculptor that shapes us, a fire that hardens our resilience, and a signal that we are moving forward, not staying in place, except, of course, in moments when pain simply indicates that something is wrong.
We move forward not despite pain, but because of it. And furthermore, pain develops empathy.
Literature for reflection
Carl Jung – Memories, Dreams, Reflections
Personal reflections and exploration of the human psyche through the process of individuation, where a person becomes more of themselves, often through painful separation from past identities.
Erik Erikson – Identity: Youth and Crisis
A study of the stages of identity formation, focusing on the adolescent identity crisis and how it shapes the development of adults.
Donald Winnicott – Playing and Reality
Play as an arena for the formation of autonomy. The discomfort of growth, including the painful process of learning, is viewed as necessary for the development of a healthy “self.”
Joseph Campbell – The Hero with a Thousand Faces
A study of myths and the “hero’s journey,” which serves as an allegory for personal transformation, where every trial or “test” is a rite of passage that catalyzes human evolution.
Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun – Posttraumatic Growth: Theory, Research, and Applications
How posttraumatic growth can lead to profound changes in life, new perspectives, and enhanced psychological resilience.
Carol Dweck – Mindset: The New Psychology of Success
Dweck’s research on fixed vs. growth mindset.
Bessel van der Kolk – The Body Keeps the Score
How emotional and psychological pain can leave lasting marks on the body and mind, and how trauma can be healed through various therapeutic approaches.
James Prochaska – Changing for Good
How people go through different stages of change, often provoked by crisis, challenges, or breakthrough moments.
Tony Robbins – Awaken the Giant Within
Robbins discusses how people can make significant changes in their lives, either through intense pain or sudden inspiration. The idea is that change is possible through radical shifts in thinking and behavior.
Viktor Frankl – Man’s Search for Meaning
Frankl, who survived concentration camps, explores how meaning can be found in suffering. His experience led to the development of logotherapy—a form of psychotherapy that encourages people to find purpose even amidst immense pain.
Leon Festinger – Theory of Cognitive Dissonance
How psychological discomfort (e.g., pain from contradictory beliefs) can lead to change.
Abraham Maslow – Motivation and Personality
Only when our basic needs are satisfied can we focus on higher needs such as self-actualization.
Daniel Kahneman – Thinking, Fast and Slow
Kahneman’s research on decision-making shows how mental shortcuts can lead to biases, and how by confronting discomfort and challenging these mental patterns, we make more thoughtful decisions.
Malcolm Gladwell – The Tipping Point: How Little Things Can Make a Big Difference
How small, seemingly insignificant changes or moments can lead to large shifts, often triggering profound personal or social transformations.
Elizabeth Gilbert – Eat, Pray, Love and Big Magic
Easily readable memoirs and reflections on transformation and the creative process.
