Attachment styles are psychological models that describe how people form emotional bonds and interact with others: first in parent-child relationships and then, as a result, in intimate relationships.
Views on relationships during the Bowlby era
During the 20th century, relationships, especially parent-child relationships, were often viewed through a functional lens. Parents were seen primarily as providers of material needs (food, shelter) rather than emotional caregivers. Emotional closeness or attachment was not considered critical to the child’s well-being.
Some popular theories, such as behaviorism, posit that attachment is formed as a result of the caregiver satisfying basic needs, such as hunger. The emotional connection was secondary or even rejected.
Children’s independence was highly valued, and parents were often encouraged to avoid “spoiling” children by showing too much affection. When separated from parents, child was expected to adapt quickly without any protest, for example, separating children from their parents during hospitalization was the norm. Emotions were repressed, and obedience and self-sufficiency were preached instead. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with obedience and self-sufficiency, if they exist in conditions of love and acceptance. But then it was out of the question.
Likewise, romantic relationships were often viewed through the lens of social roles and practicality rather than emotional connection. Marriage was often seen as a partnership based on duty, financial stability, and societal expectations, rather than mutual emotional intimacy or personal fulfillment.
The origin of attachment theory
In contrast to these views, John Bowlby, a British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who developed the attachment theory, suddenly appeared. He suggested that the bond between a child and its primary caregiver is key to emotional development and survival, and directly influences subsequent intimate relationships in adulthood. Society basically rejected his idea as it often happens with genuises.
Bowlby talked about “effective dependency” and how being able, from “the cradle to the grave,” to turn to others for emotional support is a sign and source of strength.
Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
Bowlby’s assistant Mary Ainsworth decided to prove the theory of attachment in practice. Through her Strange Situation experiment in the 1970s, Ainsworth identified different attachment styles based on children’s reactions to separation and reunification with caregivers.
“Strange situation” looked like this:
A researcher invites a mother and child into an unfamiliar room. After a few minutes, the mother leaves the child alone with the researcher, who tries to offer comfort if needed. Three minutes later, the mother comes back. The separation and reunion are repeated once more. The majority of children are upset when their mothers walk out; they rock themselves, cry, throw toys. But some prove more emotionally resilient. They calm themselves quickly and effectively, reconnect easily with their mothers on their return, and rapidly resume playing while checking to make sure that their moms are still around. They seem confident that their mothers will be there if needed. Less resilient youngsters, however, are anxious and aggressive or detached and distant on their mothers’ return. The kids who can calm themselves usually have warmer, more responsive mothers, while the moms of the angry kids are unpredictable in their behavior and the moms of detached kids are colder and dismissive. In these simple studies of disconnection and reconnection, Bowlby saw love in action and began to code its patterns.
Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
The experiment revolutionized developmental psychology, spawning hundreds of subsequent studies. The first studies of adult relationships, however, appeared already in the 90s, after Bowlby’s death.
Social psychologists Phil Shaver and Cindy Hazan, then at the University of Denver, decided to ask men and women questions about their love relationships to see if they exhibited the same responses and patterns as mothers and children. They wrote up a love quiz that was published in the local Rocky Mountain News. In their answers, adults spoke of needing emotional closeness from their lover, wanting assurance that their lover would respond when they were upset, being distressed when they felt separate and distant from their loved one, and feeling more confident about exploring the world when they knew that their lover had their back. They also indicated different ways of dealing with their partners. When they felt secure with their lover, they could reach out and connect easily; when they felt insecure, they either became anxious, angry, and controlling, or they avoided contact altogether and stayed distant. Just what Bowlby and Ainsworth had found with mothers and children.
Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
Types of attachment styles
There are four main attachment styles, but it is worth noting that these are not rigid categories at all. They can intertwine and change over time depending on life experiences and the nature of past relationships. And although they are formed during early interaction with caregivers, they are also transformed by subsequent relationships, both positively and negatively, depending on experiences.
Secure attachment
People feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They trust others, ask for support when needed and can provide it to partners. A healthy, stable relationship. Effective communication, constructive conflict resolution and creating a safe environment for each other.
Childhood Roots: Develops when caregivers consistently respond and care for the child.
Movies that will help you see this type of attachment through storytelling: “Little Women” (2019), “The Pursuit of Happyness” (2006).
Anxious attachment (or dependent)
People long for closeness, but fear abandonment. They may seem obsessive or overly dependent. Often looking for constant validation, may struggle with jealousy or fear of rejection. This can lead to emotional ups and downs in a relationship.
Childhood Roots: Occurs due to inconsistent caregiving, when emotional needs are met in an unpredictable manner.
Movies that will help you see this type of attachment through storytelling: “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind” (2004), “Silver Linings Playbook” (2012).
Avoidant (or distanced) attachment
People value independence and often avoid emotional intimacy, suppressing feelings to maintain distance. These people may have difficulty expressing emotions or making commitments, often preferring independence over partnership.
Childhood Roots: Occurs when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of the child’s needs.
Movies that will help you see this type of attachment through storytelling: “Good Will Hunting” (1997), “Up in the Air” (2009).
Disorganized (or conflicted) attachment
People want intimacy, but are afraid of it, which leads to contradictory actions and emotional instability. Relationships can be stormy because of an internal conflict between the desire for intimacy and the fear of it. Trust issues and emotional instability are common.
Childhood Roots: Common in situations where caregivers are abusive, neglectful, or intimidating.
Movies that will help you see this type of attachment through storytelling: “Precious” (2009), “Requiem for a Dream” (2000).
Do we need a relationship?
The short answer is yes. Falling into loneliness equates to depression. However, this does not mean that a person cannot fully function without that classic cohabitating partnership.
However, Dr. Sue Johnson writes about society’s created cult of personal independence and self-sufficiency, pointing to a shift in values. The more we are able to reach to our partners, the more independent we can be, – discovered psychologist Brooke Feeney from Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, observing 280 couples. Those who felt their needs were accepted by their partners were more confident in solving problems on their own and were more likely to successfully achieve their own goals, wow. This, however, can have a reverse side – a close relationship where partners do not accept or support each other has a devastating effect on health and longevity – there is research on this.
How to create a secure attachment
Curiosity comes out of a sense of safety; rigidity out of being vigilant to threats.
Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
We often build or save relationships based on rationalization, while they are based on purely emotional things – that’s the foundation. And therefore, you need to work primarily on this: secure attachment.
What couples and therapists too often do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.
Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
Self-awareness
Reflecting on your attachment style and recognizing patterns in your behavior and relationships.
Therapy
Working with a therapist to address the underlying issues, especially if the attachment style arose from trauma.
Open communication
Practice honestly expressing your feelings and needs in a relationship.
Emotional regulation
Developing skills to manage emotions effectively, for example through mindfulness or journaling.
Safe relationship
Surround yourself with supportive, reliable, and caring people.
Parenting with intention
Attention to the emotional needs of the child, ensuring consistent care and creating a sense of security.
What to read about attachment theory and attachment styles
- John Bowlby – A Secure Base
A classic, concise work exploring the fundamental principles of attachment theory in parenting and relationships. - Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment
A practical and accessible introduction to attachment theory with an emphasis on romantic relationships. - Dr. Sue Johnson – Hold Me Tight
Connects attachment theory with emotion-focused therapy (EFT), offering practical steps for deepening connections in romantic relationships. - Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre – Healing Developmental Trauma
An in-depth exploration of how early attachment trauma shapes adults and how it can be healed. - Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell – Parenting from the Inside Out
A beautifully written guide for parents to better understand their own attachment styles and maintain secure bonds with their children. - (Gabor Maté and Gordon Neufeld – Hold On to Your Kids)
Emphasizes the key role of parental attachment and provides advice on building strong parent-child relationships.
