The evolution of relationships: from dominance to partnership

Dedicated to the man who gave me an invaluable experience of accepted emotions and being heard

I love to feel that whatever happens to me is just right and happens when it’s right, that I am in a context, and to understand what this context is. When every book that happens to be at hand, every discussion, every event are clear continuations of the previous ones. For the first time such a phenomenon was described by Jung in 1952 in co-authorship with the physicist Pauli, and Jung called it “synchronicity”. Synchronicity is the idea that events can be meaningfully connected without any apparent cause-and-effect relations, potentially having some deeper, non-linear connection between them.

And so, all the last… let’s call them “testimonies” that happen to me tell that violence and domination do not work. More precisely, they probably work, but as a kind of counterpower to the path of the future – partnership. Because partnership is an evolutionary inevitability, and we are now in a painful transit stage.

4B Movement

In 2020, the death rate in South Korea exceeded the birth rate for the first time, and the trend continues. The government is trying to implement various policies to encourage higher birth rates, but the problem remains serious. One of the main reasons why women do not want to give birth is the pressure of traditional gender roles, discrimination against women at work and in society, and violence against them.

In 2016, the book “Kim Jiyong, born in 1982” by Cho Nam-Joo was published. The novel tells the story of an ordinary woman living in South Korea, experiencing and reflecting on various forms of gender inequality throughout her life. It is a book for two evenings, written in very simple language, but in some places hits the liver even of a woman who belongs to a different culture. This book sparked a major social discussion of gender inequality, becoming one of the forerunners of Korean #metoo and the 4B Movement, a radical movement of women rejecting traditional gender roles and relationships with men as a form of protest.

4B means:

• no sex with men (Biseong-ji)
• no to the childbearing (Bichulsan)
• no dating men (Biyeonae)
• no marriage with men (Bihon).

The 4B movement left the borders of South Korea a long time ago and is gaining momentum – there are no numbers, but it can be seen on the Internet. Thousands of women deliberately refuse relationships with men and childbearing. Because too often it’s just an ungrateful energy-consuming thing to do.

This shows that the women are hurt so much that words alone are no longer enough. Such a step is very reminiscent of a psychological defense mechanism, which is more often characteristic of men – a stonewalling – when a person blocks emotions and kind of dissociates, not finding a way or desire to cope with reality. This is both a concequnce and an alarm bell – the breakdown of partnership attempts as long as it’s a one-sided attempt.

People are different, but the evolutionary trend is that women are tired of patriarchal norms, and men are either fine with them or their defenses are turned on. But there are also men of the new generation, there are those who fully understand and support this movement, and are working on themselves and their relationships.

4B The movement was, of course, accused of misandry, but that is not what it is. Instead, it is a metaphor for exhaustion and the powerlessness and power of female solidarity at the same time.

There is also a theme of sympathy, – they say, the poor women have condemned themselves to loneliness. But the truth is that such women take a huge burden off their shoulders, save a lot of energy, and actually do not need men in order to be whole and happy.

I don’t want to oversimplify this extremely complex topic, so I hope this text will be more of a food for thought and a source of ideas, but that’s what most of my writing seems to be. I am also forced to cover only intersex relationships for now, so as not to confuse myself and the reader even more.

I will just say that studies say that same-sex couples, especially female couples, tend to have better communication and conflict resolution skills than heterosexual couples. This may be because same-sex couples are more likely to reject traditional gender roles, resulting in greater equality in their interactions. At the same time, such couples can be held together more strongly by a common opposition to the dominant culture of the majority.

Dominance model

Historical context

The model of dominance in relationships has long been shaped by patriarchal systems where men occupied a dominant role and women were expected to be obedient and dependent. This power imbalance was reinforced by traditional gender roles, cultural norms, religious teachings, and legal frameworks that legitimized male power. Marriage was often seen as a transfer of property rights to a person whose job it was to serve the husband’s needs.

Social pressure further reinforced this pattern, punishing those who deviated from it. Women who sought independence were ostracized, while men who failed to assert control were seen as weak.

High divorce rates in the mid-20th century, especially in Western countries, highlighted dissatisfaction with traditional marriage structures. As people became more willing to leave unhappy marriages, they began to look for alternative models that could offer more satisfaction and equality.

Characteristics of the model

Key features:

• Imbalance of control and power: One partner, usually the man, controls decision-making and finances, leaving the other partner with little autonomy.
• Inequality and lack of reciprocity: Priority is given to the needs and contributions of one partner, which leads to an unequal distribution of domestic and emotional labor.
• Rigid gender frameworks: Men are expected to be authoritative, while women are forced to be passive and compliant, limiting the authenticity of both partners.
• Lack of communication and emotional intimacy: The dominant partner rejects the other’s feelings, suppressing open communication and emotional connection.
• Prioritizing the needs of one partner: The dominant partner’s needs come first, often at the expense of the other’s well-being and desires.

As a separate point, I would like to highlight intimate relationships in such a model, which can turn into frank exploitation of one partner by another, because even here the wishes of one partner have priority. For example, a man may expect a woman to satisfy his sexual needs on demand, regardless of her comfort or desire. And a woman may feel guilt for not satisfying those expectations. And in this topic there is a large layer of contempt for the person, which is strengthened by the very fact that this relationship is the closest.

This dynamic creates unbalanced relationships, hinders emotional connection, personal growth, and mutual respect, and is destructive.

Consequences

Long-term instability: Over time, resentment and the lack of a true partnership can lead to the deterioration of a relationship. Relationships built on control rather than cooperation are often unstable and can lead to emotional or physical abuse.

Emotional Impact: The submissive partner may feel invisible and trapped, leading to anxiety, depression, and loss of identity. The dominant partner, who seems to be in control, may also suffer from stress and emotional isolation without realizing why.

A barrier to connection and trust: This pattern undermines trust and emotional intimacy as the needs of one partner are constantly prioritized over the needs of the other, resulting in emotional detachment and disconnection.

Every woman adores a fascist

In our rapidly changing society we can count on only two things that will never change. What will never change is the will to change and the fear of change. It is the will to change that motivates us to seek help. It is the fear of change that motivates us to resist the very help we seek.

Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy

In one of my favorite poems “Daddy” Sylvia Plath writes “every woman adores a Fascist, a boot in the face, a brute.” These words have been etched into my brain since I was a teenager, searching for answers. A woman looks for strength in a partner, but finds violence and domination at different stages of “progress”, because something is not working right. Or subconsciously chooses such a partner as a pattern familiar from childhood.

Naturally, we project our anger on men, because the patriarchy is them, them. But in fact, it is a system in which everyone is a victim, regardless of gender, a problem that must be worked on together. A man who is overwhelmed by a wave of anger wants to defend himself with an even greater display of violence or shut down, giving up or despairing of himself. Women are often just as supportive of patriarchy as men, in particular demanding gender-stereotypical behavior from men and raising children according to gender-stereotyped roles, and projecting incomprehensible anger onto other women or children.

Anger, indignation are necessary components of progress, but this is only an outline of the problem. In addition, a lot of work, communication, education, cooperation is required. A partnership is required.

Partnership model

The partnership model promotes equality, cooperation and mutual respect in relationships.

Feminism and children

Feminism played a key role in promoting the evolution of gender roles, advocating for emotional and relational equality. This led to more balanced relationships as women went to work and men took on more domestic responsibilities. However, in many families today there is a relationship twist, where the woman not only went to work, but also continues to take care of home, children and relationships alone or to a greater extent. Well, you wanted independence, didn’t you? No, I wanted equality, but you didn’t want it, because it’s uncomfortable.

Pregnancy, birth and upbringing of children is the most important link for social changes, and it is here that a woman is often not only deprived of support and considered the only responsible person, but also completely devalued or even despised, despite the fact that she is often forced to deny herself self-realization and rest for the sake of the family. This sacrifice may be perceived by society as degradation rather than self-sacrifice.

Emotional awareness

A growing awareness of the importance of mental and emotional well-being is shifting the focus of relationships from role-playing to emotional connection, open communication, and mutual support.

Modern trends

Shared parenting, dual-income families, and the abandonment of traditional gender roles reflect this shift toward partnership, emphasizing flexibility, equality, and collaboration for healthier relationships. Responsibilities are assigned based on personal preferences, preferences, and practicality, not gender.

Mutual accusations

Change involves two things: awareness and action.

Riane Eisler – The power of partnership

Here I would like to take a look at the mutual insensitivity in order to identify dysfunctional schemes that are nothing but echoes of patriarchy in the painful process of restructuring to a partnership model. Seeing both sides is important for understanding the complexity of the situation and finding solutions. Below are not so much facts as feelings from both sides, behind which there is something and this something needs to be heard.

Common accusations and complaints of women against men

Then there are cultural scripts telling women to invest themselves primarily in their relations with men, but telling men to invest themselves primarily in their individual pursuits and careers rather than their relationships with women. These are obviously contradictory scripts, and they make for a lose-lose situation for both women and men. Women don’t get the close intimate relations they are taught are primary. And men can’t figure out why women are so dissatisfied, since men have been taught that their careers are the main thing in life — and the main thing women should do in their lives is to support men’s goals. All these scripts are variations of one basic dominator idea: men must always be in control. One outcome of this notion is violence against women. Another is a suspicion in men that women are trying to manipulate them.

Riane Eisler – The power of partnership

• Not being heard: Women often feel unheard or devalued when they express their thoughts or emotions, feeling that their issues are not taken seriously.
• Emotional unavailability: Men are not open with their emotions, do not know how and do not see the need to voice them; or cannot provide emotional support.
• Control and dominance: Men try to dominate decision-making, not allowing equality.
• Lack of effort in the performance of household duties: Women often experience an uneven distribution of household chores and duties, which leads to a feeling of imbalance and aggression.
• Undervalues ​​emotional labor: Women’s emotional labor, such as relationship management and family planning, often goes unacknowledged, unseen, undervalued, devalued, and often rests entirely on the woman.
• Overemphasis on the rational: Women may believe that men prefer “logic” and problem solving over empathy, leading to a lack of emotional connection.
• Abandoning feminine strengths: Women may feel that traditionally “feminine” qualities such as empathy, intuition, and caring are not respected or valued by men.
• Sexual objectification: Feeling that you are perceived primarily as a sexual object rather than as a whole person.
• Avoiding Responsibility in Relationships: Men are passive in maintaining relationships, leaving emotional work and relationships to women.
• Pressure to conform to traditional gender roles: Feeling constrained by men’s expectations of what women “should” be, often based on outdated gender roles.

Common accusations and complaints of men against women

The unhappiness of men in relationships, the grief men feel about the failure of love, often goes unnoticed in our society precisely because the patriarchal culture really does not care if men are unhappy. When females are in emotional pain, the sexist thinking that says that emotions should and can matter to women makes it possible for most of us to at least voice our heart, to speak it to someone, whether a close friend, a therapist, or the stranger sitting next to us on a plane or bus. Patriarchal mores teach a form of emotional stoicism to men that says they are more manly if they do not feel, but if by chance they should feel and the feelings hurt, the manly response is to stuff them down, to forget about them, to hope they go away. George Weinberg explains in Why Men Won’t Commit: “Most men are on quest for the ready-made perfect woman because they basically feel that problems in a relationship can’t be worked out. When the slightest thing goes wrong, it seems easier to bolt than talk.” The masculine pretense is that real men feel no pain.

Bell Hooks – The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love

• Overemphasis on emotions: Men often believe that women focus too much on emotions, which leads to frustration when they try to have logical or honest conversations.
• Criticism and nagging: Women criticize or nag men, believing that they never do enough or do everything “wrong”.
• Emotional Manipulation: Women use emotions to manipulate situations or get what they want.
• Unrealistic expectations: Women have unrealistic expectations from men, for example, regarding emotional support, financial responsibility, or romantic gestures.
• Control in intimate relationships: Women control or withhold sex as a means of gaining power in relationships.
• Lack of appreciation: Men often feel that they are not appreciated for what they do.
• Overemphasis on communication: Some men may feel overwhelmed by the pressure to constantly communicate or express emotions in ways that feel unnatural to them.
• Expectations of chivalry and financial provision: Men may feel pressured and frustrated by expectations to be the primary financial providers or to always act in a traditionally chivalrous manner.
• Undermining masculinity: Men may feel that women undermine or criticize their masculinity, especially when they do not conform to stereotypical male behavior.
• Pressure to conform to traditional gender roles: Like women, men can feel pressure to conform to traditional gender roles, feeling constrained by expectations to always be strong, stoic, and the primary breadwinner. One often hears conflicting demands to be both the classic man of the old model and the mysterious man of the new model, which is very confusing.

Add to common complaints infidelity, when a person cannot satisfy their needs in a relationship, does not understand and/or does not know how to communicate them, and finds such an illusory easy solution. Adler also sees it as conscious or unconscious revenge.

We can understand what happens when a person feels himself misunderstood and his activity curtailed. He feels inferior and wants to escape. Such feelings are especially bad in marriage, particularly if a sense of extreme hopelessness arises. When this happens revenge begins to creep in. One person wants to disturb the life of the other person. The most common way to do this is to be unfaithful. Infidelity is always a revenge. True, persons who are unfaithful always justify themselves by speaking of love and sentiments, but we know the value of feelings and sentiments. Feelings always agree with the goal of superiority, and should not be regarded as arguments.

Alfred Adler – The Science of Living

Transition to a partnership model

The cure for these complaints is awareness of the problem and acceptance of the partnership. For men, this means listening more actively and participating in open communication, as well as initiating it; be emotionally available and share responsibilities more evenly. Acknowledging and sharing the emotional labor often undertaken by women and valuing traditional female strengths such as compassion and caring, and not so much equality as reciprocity.

Respect for the partner’s autonomy, support for her contribution and guarantee that intimacy is built on mutual respect, and not just on the physical aspect. Women’s participation cannot be dispensed with here, because a traditionally educated woman often needs to be persuaded to put down the dishes and go to rest – we are used to having our hands busy. And a man should understand this moment – a woman rather does not have the skill to rest, and she needs help in this. While participation in family life should not be positioned as “help”, because it is a joint family, and the woman is not the only responsible person in it. It’s also not about who does more or less, it’s just about taking initiative in terms of caring for your loved one.

Here is another reason why a woman can take on so much:

Females embrace this paradigm because they feel it is better to be a dominator than to be dominated. However, this is a perverse vision of gender equality that offers women equal access to the house of the dead. In that house there will be no love.

Barbara Ehrenreich, The Hearts of Men

For women, finding balance in emotional expression can create healthier communication. Offering constructive feedback and clearly defining needs and boundaries contribute to a more positive dynamic. Women can reflect on their expectations, making sure they are realistic and achievable, and acknowledge their partner’s contributions by expressing appreciation for his efforts. It is also important to allow men to communicate naturally without imposing their own standards, because adjustment takes time.

Intimacy should be approached as a shared experience where mutual desire, consent, and emotional connection come first.

What we must provide to each other above all else is a basic sense of security. Because due to historical circumstances, a woman is afraid of a man at the DNA level, and a man is afraid of showing his vulnerability at the same level. A woman’s experience shows that a man is dangerous, a man’s experience is a social narrative, that he should be kept in a cage, and this is the more aware man. And there is always room to realize it further.

On a broader level, relationships thrive when both partners embrace a partnership rather than a competitive mentality. By working together to solve problems, instead of blaming each other, people grow together. Recognizing the societal pressures that both women and men face and actively supporting each other in overcoming them strengthens the bond. Ongoing personal growth, self-reflection, communication, and developing healthy conflict resolution skills are necessary for successful relationships. Moving to a partnership model where both partners feel heard, valued and supported promotes a stronger, more harmonious connection.

Healthy feminine and healthy masculine

Both men and women, in childlike innocence, tend to assume that their spouse or partner either wants or should want to do the things that make them comfortable. Women often unconsciously assume that husbands are there to lift heavy boxes, fix the car, and make money. Men often assume that wives are there to provide nurturance, cook, arrange the social life, and care for the children. A woman may feel betrayed if her husband declares his own needs, decides to drop out, and quits a well-paying job or leaves for a woman who makes him happier—especially if she has sacrificed her own needs to be the traditional wife. A man may feel equally outraged when his wife decides she wants to devote herself to a demanding job or leave her husband to find herself, and the outrage is intensified when either spouse has ignored genuine needs to provide for the family.

Carol S. Pearson – The Hero Within

The terms healthy feminine and healthy masculine refer to qualities and energies that are not inherently linked to a person’s gender, but are often culturally associated with men and women. Both sets of traits are valuable and necessary for a balanced relationship and society. Each of the traits can be present in a person, regardless of gender, which is logical, because we are made of male and female, we consist of both: both biologically, and also brought up by different people with different qualities.

Culturally and historically, masculine qualities are considered to be strength, persistence, responsibility, protection, and the ability to provide structure and stability. Healthy masculine energy is not about dominance or control, but about offering guidance, support, and security. It means being present and trustworthy, standing up for what is right, and navigating with integrity.

Empathy, care, intuition, receptivity and emotional intelligence are considered feminine. Healthy feminine energy is not about passivity or submission, but about connecting, fostering creativity, and embracing vulnerability.

Men and women alike can embody these qualities, creating a dynamic where each person’s strengths complement the other’s.

Anima and Animus

Carl Jung’s theory of archetypes includes the anima (feminine aspect) and the animus (masculine aspect) as parts of the collective unconscious. These archetypes were not meant to limit people, but to describe how cultures have historically conceptualized different aspects of personality. Jung’s work reflected how societies projected certain traits onto gender, but he also believed in the importance of integrating the masculine and feminine within each individual for psychological wholeness.

In the summary

The partnership model is slowly but surely replacing the dominance model. Since the 19th century, thinkers have talked about the family as a tiny model of society that has the same tasks and creates society at the micro level. Nowadays, facilitation replaces management, non-violent communication replaces shouting down the opponent in political debates. We are still very far from the partnership model, but it is already emerging, and each of us can join this process, changing the world one person at a time.

Literature

• Cho Nam-ju – Kim Ji-young, born in 1982
• Vivek Murthy – Together
• John Gottman – Seven Principles of a Successful Marriage
• Isabel Illende – The soul of a woman
• Marshal Rosenberg – Nonviolent Communication
• Harriet Lerner – The Dance of Intimacy
• Riane Eisler – The power of partnership
• Bell Hooks – The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love
• Alfred Adler – The Science of Living
• Carol S. Pearson – The Hero Within
• Barbara Ehrenreich – The Hearts of Men