I didn’t want to be a woman for a long time, because it seemed that it was more profitable to be a man in this world. I could not accept myself as a mother for a long time, because I did not want to be a mother. For a long time I did not want to have a family, because I did not believe in its possibility and value. My sense of self, my values, my personal norms do not always coincide with those generally accepted by society. Certain things are still pressing me, but I hope that this work is not forever. Everyone has their own story of self-acceptance. And rejection is generated exclusively by society, which consists of the same socially rejected ones, so hey, society, take responsibility for your own actions and well-being instead of arguing about gender.
Human needs to name things
On the way to accepting myself, it often helped me to give names to things or to find existing ones, to understand where the roots of my ideas grow from, to hear that I am not alone, that everything is fine with me.
Today I accept myself. I’m a woman, I’m a mother, I’m human, with all the complexities that come with it, and I’m mostly okay with it, although it’s still pretty stressful. However, I still have difficulties with self-identification, including a professional one, because I am always doing everything and nothing, as well as a nominal one, because I have many aliases for different branches of myself, and it’s hard to connect into one tree. The formation of relations with society is a separate mysterious topic. Considering the difficulties I am experiencing, I understand the temporary value of names as a way of accepting and connecting things with each other.
Gender or human
Ideally, we are all humans. Different, contradictory, that do not fit into the framework into which we drive ourselves. For our own convenience, we try to label and categorize things. If only we ourselves did not try to push each other into the frames, now we would not need to expand them. Because a person does not want to be in the framework forever, it’s just a temporary tool. Our belonging to a certain country, gender, profession does not define us as individuals. The only reason to put some restrictions on yourself is to be a little clearer (and therefore safer) for others. The backup reason is help in self-acceptance, which promotes inner peace, and therefore, a priori, has a good effect on the general state of society. Or to show off, but that is a completely separate story.
In particular, the concept of gender was drawn for this purpose – to outline new frameworks for persons who did not fit into the outdated frameworks. Those frames served us for a while, and they no longer serve us, let’s let them go. It is a transitional stage to a place where these frameworks no longer make sense at all, where people are just people. But due to historical circumstances and the long history of human perception of things, we are stuck in this process for a very long time. One thing is clear – if there are gender studies, if so many people are concerned about this issue, then it is necessary for something. And one more thing – to impose a label on a person, with which they do not agree, is nothing but violence. On the contrary, someone’s pink skirt does not do violence to us. It is simply a symbol of diversity, and there is nothing better than that for evolution.
Social stereotypes
Ideally, we are all human. Different, contradictory, that do not fit into the framework into which we drive ourselves. For our own convenience, we try to label, categorize, and label things. If we ourselves did not try to push each other into the framework, now we would not need to expand them. Because a person does not want to be in the framework forever, it is only a temporary tool. Our belonging to a certain country, gender, profession does not define us as individuals. The only reason to put some restrictions on yourself is to be a little clearer (and therefore safer) for others. Well, the backup reason is help in self-acceptance, which promotes inner peace, and therefore, a priori, has a good effect on the general state of society. Well, or to swing, but that is a completely separate story.
A person driven into a frame looks something like this: you are a man, and therefore you must be strong, earn money, provide for your family, you have no right to emotions; you are a woman – therefore, you should look nice, give birth and take care of children, take care of the household and your husband. Of course you are heterosexual. This is what the majority thinks, and this majority puts pressure on the brains of the minority that is uncomfortable fitting into this.
If the conventional woman now more or less breaks out of this framework, not wanting to be equal to the maid, then the conventional man is generally not sure how to proceed, but already begins to suspect that he has the right to emotions, as well as an honorable place in the kitchen and in parenthood. This is just one small breakthrough in this breaking-point conventional stereotypical couple. But there are still many ways to be, which are completely safe for society, but are perceived as a threat. That is, if even a working woman is still perceived by many as a threat, because it is not very clear how to live with it, then what can be said about boys in pink skirts who self-identify as neither men nor women, drawing attention to the fact that it really doesn’t matter whether you are a man or a woman. However, it turns out that actually
- it is important for society to name things somehow for its own peace and safety
- it is important for people with a non-standard gender identity not to be subjected to violence by trying to push them into a category to which they do not feel they belong.
So either we agree to expand the gender spectrum and call people as they see fit, or we do away with the concept of gender and agree that we are all humans. If the first one is ungraspable for many, then few people will subscribe to the second one at all, taking into account the complexity of social history. People are too simple and incomprehensible, and the incomprehensible, as we already know, is scary. And considering that there are a lot of people who do not agree to fit into the outdated norms of behavior, appearance, social roles, etc., we will have to go through the path of multigender, and this is already obviously irreversible. It’s funny how far we go for the right to be ourselves. Because being yourself is a very normal thing, right?
The funniest thing is that depending on the culture, the classical understanding of masculine and feminine differs, that is, the fight is not only global, but also local. Here I am normal, there I am not. What do you want from us, says society, we don’t owe you anything, do what you want, and we will do what we want. Yeah, so I’m getting lynched for wearing a pink skirt? No thank you.
By the way, about pink. I grew up hating this color because society imposed it on me as feminine. Color is just color, so it seems silly, but yes, for me it is the color of violence, and for someone – liberation. Likewise, for some, a pink skirt is a symbol of debauchery, and for some – a symbol of permission to be yourself and to be creative. Just like a child whose parents set a minimum framework so as not to suffocate his personality, society needs exclusively regulatory frameworks so as not to harm each other. But to not stifle personality.
How did the concept of gender arise?
This terrifying story proves that a person’s gender identity is not completely shaped by society. There was a boy, Bruce Reimer, who was diagnosed with phimosis. His parents decided to circumcise him. But something in that surgical operation went terribly wrong, and the eight-month-old boy’s penis was badly damaged. Bruce’s parents wondered what to do about it and came across the sexologist John Money, a guy who is considered to be the father of the concept of gender and who promoted the idea that gender is formed socially rather than biologically.
On Dr. Money’s recommendation, at 22 months, Bruce underwent a surgical sex change, was put on hormones and raised as a girl. The case was presented by the doctor as very successful, but in reality Brenda (Bruce) struggled with an imposed gender identity and never felt comfortable as a girl. The parents told the child the truth only at the age of 14, and Brenda returned to a man’s life and took the name David Reimer, and at the age of 38, David committed suicide. The story is much more complex, and there is John Colapinto’s book “As Nature Intended: A Boy Raised as a Girl” about it.
What the research says
Research says that personalities, behaviors and roles cannot be fully explained by biological differences. On one hand, socialization, culture and personal experiences play a big role in the formation of gender identity, on the other hand, biology asserts its rights. The question is where is biology, where is society, and is it worth raising a gap between people based on gender.
Long live gender neutrality when we grow up to it!
Read also:
The history of upbringing
