Why do we choose people for relationships who seem right in the moment but cause so much pain later?
Attraction often plays a large role in our initial choices, but can sometimes cloud our judgment, leading to decisions that are not in line with our long-term happiness.
It seems that the train was designed by nature to hook a relationship. In the marriage dance, people look closely at each other, and then plus or minus during the year they have to agree on the conditions of further stay together. What they manage to build, they will generally have: trust, level of communication, boundaries, understanding of values and goals, ways to resolve conflicts, physical and emotional intimacy, vision of the future. In short, there is not much time for the foundation – and it is much more difficult to rebuild.
Why do we often make mistakes?
Biological instincts and chemistry
Strong physical and emotional “chemistry” can create a “blind spot” when we ignore red flags. The brain releases happy hormones that can dull logical thinking. Why did nature design it this way? Evolutionarily, the release of dopamine and oxytocin ensured survival by facilitating the formation of alliances and stable social groups. These hormones create a sense of satisfaction and emotional attachment, increasing the chances of procreation. They build trust, reduce fear by allowing you to take risks and open up, and focus on your partner, creating a foundation for the bond to develop.
But nowadays we don’t really need to survive. We have the time and space for a more detailed search, or we don’t have to have partners at all. And our problems with choosing a partner have become much more sophisticated.
Unresolved personal problems
They say that when you meet someone and it feels like love at first sight, run in the other direction. All that has happened is that your dysfunction has met their dysfunction. Your wounded inner child has recognized their wounded inner child, both hoping to be healed by the same fire that burned them.
Neil Strauss – The Truth: An Uncomfortable Book About Relationships
Past trauma or unmet emotional needs can draw us to partners who reinforce familiar patterns, even if they are unhealthy. Our brains love the comfort of familiar things. We may subconsciously look to others for validation or security instead of dealing with these issues ourselves.
The pressure of society and culture
Society can force us to prioritize status, looks, or other external qualities over compatibility. Verbally and subconsciously-collectively pressure the need to create a family. The fear of being alone or the need to fit a social schedule can cause us to make hasty decisions.
Misunderstanding of compatibility
Common interests or attraction are often mistaken for a deeper compatibility – in values, life goals and communication styles. Shared interests create a sense of connection and understanding: it’s nice to meet someone like you. We also tend to see in our chosen ones not the real them, but projections of who we want them to be. And we fall in love with these projections.
How to avoid the wrong choice of partner
We can discuss everything in detail and feel heard and fully compatible, but the words we use are not enough to express what we really mean. We can agree on a word, and years later see its real meaning for each. True understanding comes only when we see it in action. However, the discussion still gives a general idea, it is necessary to speak.
Clarification of values and needs
It’s important to identify your core values and make sure they align with those of your potential partner. What is most important to you? Family? Freedom? Personal development, health, travel?
It is also important to determine what we need in a relationship (emotional support, shared goals, independence, etc.).
Emotional compatibility
What is there besides physical attraction? How do you resolve conflicts, communicate and support each other emotionally? How your potential partner behaves with others, with you around others, especially in difficult situations.
No rush
Yes, I have also heard of couples who got married on the day they met. But what exactly would change for them if they did it later?
Often the infatuation disappears, opening the door to a more realistic view of the person. Heavy development can bypass important compatibility tests. A picture from a movie often obscures the understanding of how to actually build a relationship.
The past teaches
Reflecting on past relationships will help identify patterns or traits we want to avoid. Work on yourself and self-control will help you avoid repeating such mistakes.
Setting boundaries and red flags
Unacceptable things must be clearly defined. It can be anything and very personal. There are no perfect people, there is only what we are ready to put up with and what we are not. These questions must touch on hot topics such as views on the family, politics, religion, and lifestyle.
Note red flags such as inability to hear, controlling behavior, dishonesty, lack of responsibility, etc. If you think so, you don’t think so.
Open communication
Goals, values and expectations are what are discussed first. Active listening is required.
The opinion of others
On the one hand, the opinion of others can interfere when expressed without asking, and on the other hand, it can give a perspective that we do not have ourselves. How do people close to you see you and your partner? Maybe consider therapy as a way to understand yourself and your patterns better?
Potential for relationship growth
A healthy relationship should be a partnership in which two people grow together.
This space feels calm and stable, rather than fueled by constant passion.
Does this person inspire you to be the best version of yourself, and do you inspire them to do the same. Are you proud to be around this person? Are they proud to be around you?
Love may start with attraction, but long-lasting relationships are built on shared values, emotional compatibility, and mutual respect. That is why they say that the best marriage is between friends. By taking the time to really see each other beyond the spark, we can create a bond that will stand the test of time. First, you should go scouting together.
