“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.
The Bible, Ephesians 4:26
The peculiarity of this blog is that I write about things that are relevant to me, or answer my own questions. Today me and baby are having a crisis period, and the blog immediately feels it on its skin. We are looking for exits from explosion.
I can’t stand not understanding something, so I often ask questions that seem provocative to the public due to their directness. Now imagine me with a baby who is screaming or sobbing for no apparent reason, and is not yet at that age to answer my provocative questions. Nonsense lifts the hair on my head with a hairline, barely holding the adrenaline rush from the jet into the sky. I’m annoyed, I’m angry, I’m being torn down by the roof. Add to this that impossibility of my rest, as it becomes obvious: the child is playing with fire, and I risk injuring him.
In fact, there are always opportunities, you just have to look for them and still be able to use them. For example, I have a husband who works hard and I do not want to waste his resting time. At the same time, when he is at home, the child reaches out to play with him, taking away his chance to rest anyway. It turns out to be more effective to walk with the baby one by one, while the other is resting. But for that, I have to dare to be without a kid, the same kid who I almost never separated with. And it takes some effort – the place where every person stumbles most often ?.
What is it that personally helps you to calm down and regain your strength? For me it’s the right music, the right book, well, even the right food. Traveling, socializing, planning or completing business. In fact, they are many, and you can create yourself a resource list, and sometimes look at it. And to breathe, to rest, and to remember what is necessary, and not to ignore this need, as our generation, from the ussr to independence, has become accustomed to. Because tired parents control themselves less and uncontrolled parents shake the baby’s nest, destroying their sense of security.
The correct one usually just jumps out of your head like an advertising banner – hop, take it while it’s hot. But sometimes the chakras are clogged, the stress goes crazy, someone keeps bubbling next to you, and nothing pops up except the spooky silence or the chaotic hum, and you have to endlessly search through the antique shop until you find the right one.
Most often for me it’s a book. The one that says I’m normal and not alone, and most people have been through it, or something. And especially: if I’m down, then I’m in a situation that potentially implies growth. Or fall – depends on how I use it. The hard part is keeping that in mind.
So there is, for example, a quote notebook full of wisdom from blog ‘pry nadiyi’, where everything is beautifully described, and in a difficult moment you can go to a warm corner with a rug and pillows, make camomile tea, open a quote book and read all that, what is so difficult to remember. And an unhappy crying baby can also be offered this corner: a favorite toy, a book, and an avocado smoothie. Well, ideally, if all the restaurant manipulations have time and place. Maybe you have some great sugar-free ice cream in your freezer – a great way to cool down.
In this corner, we sit and calm down and put things in our heads, and this is called a time-in, as opposed to the more widely known time-out.
Time-in is a time of comfort for both. Instead of drama, skirmishes and broken dishes, me and the baby grab ourselves and go to have a break in a cozy corner. And then we talk like two full-fledged brain carriers, one of which, by the way, usually has that brain developed slightly more. In case the incident does not happen at home or, for example, happens in the presence of graduated or not very judges of our methods of education, we take the child to our arms and take him out of the scene to the closest possible other, quiet and beautiful place, where we also sit and sway.
“… there are definitely times that parents need the time-out as much as the children, in order to calm themselves and avoid causing harm. Keeping ourselves in control is key. But when possible, a loving connection, such as sitting with the child and talking or comforting—often called a “time-in”—some time to calm down can be helpful for children. In fact, teaching kids how to pause and take some inner reflection time, some time-in, is essential for building executive functions to reduce impulsivity and to harness the power of focused attention. But such time-in is created in relationship, not in isolation administered as punishment. Whole-Brain Discipline would use a time-in to stop behavior (the first goal) and to invite inner reflection that builds executive skills (our second goal). One strategy that can be effective is to help the child create a “calm zone” with toys or books or a favorite stuffed animal, which she visits when she needs the time and place to calm down. That’s internal self-regulation, a fundamental skill of executive functions. (This is a good idea for parents, too! Maybe some chocolate, magazines, music, red wine…). It’s not about punishment, or making a child pay for her mistake. It’s about offering a choice and a place that helps the child self-regulate and down-regulate, which involves down-shifting out of her emotional overload.”
Time out is also a method. The main thing is to know how to use it and to remember that it’s not universal, just like any method.
“Ideally, time-outs are used infrequently and as an intentional strategy where the parent, who has discussed the idea with the child beforehand, pauses a difficult interaction and offers a time-out for a brief period (three to five minutes). Used in this way, time-outs have been proven in research studies to reduce child abuse. In controlled studies, when parents are taught how to use time-outs appropriately in this manner, they are much less likely to lose control and physically or emotionally hurt their children. In other words, time-outs can help keep kids safer.”
“It’s during these times that a child most needs our comfort and calm presence, and our discipline needs to communicate that presence. When handled correctly in the appropriate, research-proven manner, time-outs can absolutely help accomplish that goal. But angrily forcing the child to go off and sit by herself for a long time can feel like abandonment to a child, especially if she’s feeling out of control already. It may even send the subtle message that when she isn’t perfect, you don’t want to be near her. You don’t want to send the message that you’ll be in relationship with her when she’s “good,” or “happy,” but withhold your love and affection when she’s not. Would you want to stay in that kind of a relationship?”
“… too often parents make time-outs frequent and lengthy, and they become associated with humiliation and anger and punishment.”
In short, both methods are methods, and they deserve a place in our box of parental tools. The main thing is to remember their existence and try to use them wisely. Well, still, time out is one of the negative methods that breaks valuable communication, while in time-in we try to stay together, no matter what.
All the quotes are from Tina Bryson and Daniel Siegel’s book – No-Drama Discipline. The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Our Child’s Developing Mind. Expect a review of this book soon.